In a time when more folks are finding it difficult to get by, it’s great that those who have come before us are sharing the knowledge and skills they have gained over their many years of BEING CHEAP! Being cheap seems to be a badge of honor for the pilots who command the once friendly skies over our world.

When my company hired me, one of the first things I noticed about many of my fellow pilots was that they were cheap bastards. I consider this to be a compliment to my fellow aviators.

Hotels offer a plethora of freebies that end up in the homes of pilots. There are soaps, shampoos, lotions, sewing kits, amenity kits, and other things of strategic value. On the nightstands in hotel rooms, there usually is a pad of stationary and a cheap pen. The stationary pads are commonly found in the cockpits, on the built in clipboards, but the pens are too valuable to leave behind. If there are free newspapers at the front desk, we are certain to take one. At some of the better hotels you can find a newspaper and a Wall Street Journal at the same time, major score.

There is the story of the pilot who finally sends his first child off to college. The young adult returns for the holidays and proceeds to tell the parents everything they have learn ed. The parents are told many things, but their child was most impressed by learning that most bars of soap are actually very big and shampoo comes in bottles that are bigger than their thumb. Being raised on hotel toiletries brought home by the student’s father, the young person was ignorant to this important part of life, only because the father, a pilot, was a cheap bastard.

Discounts and deals abound in the pilot world. Almost every airport eatery and hotel restaurant offers a percentage off of whatever we purchase to eat. There are coupons for free drinks or buffets. I have seen 50% off in some places, which none of us can pass up. I was at a coffee shop in a layover hotel recently, getting ready to head to the airport. The young woman working the counter got me my coffee and handed me two big chocolate chip cookies for free. Of course I shyly refused, but she insisted that I take the cookies. ‘You never know when you might get hungry’, She said. I was trying to smile and not drool at the same time. This treatment is not unusual. I was walking through the Cincinnati airport once, when a worker at the Mrs. Fields Cookies counter waved me over. ‘You can have all the left over cookies for five dollars’, the counter person said. I walked away with three bags of cookies and boasted about my good deal for weeks after. I had realized that the cookies kiosk was closing and instead of throwing the cookies away, they would offer them all at a price no pilot could refuse. I scored those bags of cookies several times but got so sick of them, that I eventually refused the good deal. The same thing happened in Buffalo New York one night. We were doing a turn around, so we were there for about an hour. I ran down to the cafeteria and ordered some wings. The man working the counter asked if I wanted extra wings. I said, ‘Sure, sounds good’. He brought out three large to go boxes of wings, mild, medium, and hot. We stuffed ourselves. When ordering a meal where the food is scooped up in a predetermined amount, the generous workers dishing out the food usually add a partial scoop more, smiling at us while they do it. I have never seen a pilot tell them to take it back.

There is a good chain of communication amongst pilots, allowing us to share the free things or good deals in our layover cities. A fellow pilot told me about free coffee at the hotel coffee shop in Boston. He said, ‘You have to be in uniform to get the free coffee’. I mentioned this to my copilot the evening we arrived at that hotel. The next morning I was in the lobby of the hotel studying the subway map. We had the entire day off and I was interested in visiting a museum. I was surprised to see the copilot walk by in his uniform, seven hours before we were to be picked up. He marched over to the coffee shop and picked up a free cup of coffee, saving himself about $2.50. ‘You make me proud’, I said. He smiled, held up the free cup of Joe in a salute, and then proceeded to pick up a newspaper someone left on a chair. He went back to his room, drank free coffee and read a free paper. It doesn’t get much better than that.

I worked the Hawaiian operation for several years. Our layover hotel was at a gargantuan hotel complex with three, forty story towers. Through the grapevine, I had found out that the rooftop of every tower had a hot tub on it with an ice chest of soda next to it. Access to the rooftop was limited to the expensive business rooms on the upper floors. This was by no means a deterrent to us pilots. I discovered that if I took the elevator as high as I could go without using a room key, I could then take the stairwell up the remaining floors, to the rooftop. I was not interested in the hot tub, but drinking a free soda and taking in the incredible view from forty stories up, was great. I spent many hours up there over those years and never saw another person on that roof. On my way down one day I decided to take the elevator from the highest floor. As I walked towards the elevator I saw a door open to what looked like a lounge. I walked into the room and realized this was a suite converted into the business club lounge. The suite was gorgeous, fronting the ocean, filled with food, drinks, newspapers, and a self-serve bar. The best part of this situation was realizing that there were no hotel employees in the room. I was alone with platters of food, free drinks, and 24 hours off. I settled in like I owned the joint. I left two hours later, only when another hotel guest entered the room. I went back many times, but one day, when I walked in, I saw a woman sitting behind a desk. ‘Good afternoon sir, can I assist you?’ she said. I wanted to say, ‘Yeah, can you just go away from this good deal I have?’ I remained calm and said, ‘I am trying to find my boss, and I was told to meet him here.’ ‘Oh, no problem, what is his name, I can look him up and contact him.’ she said. I was digging myself into a hole. I politely refused her help and left quickly. I could tell she was eyeing me suspiciously. When I got to the elevators, I turned around to smile at her. Next to every elevator was a big bowl of tropical fruit and a stack of newspapers. In an act of defiance, I picked up a papaya, a mango, and a Wall Street Journal while smiling. The elevator arrived quickly and I left. I called the front desk and asked when the business lounge was staffed. I was told that at 4:30 every afternoon, the business lounge was staffed. I had my answer. From then on I made sure I never spent time in that room after 3:00.

I spread the word about the rooftop and lounge to my fellow pilots. One of my fellow pilots brought his wife with him on a trip to Honolulu. He convinced the wife to go to the rooftop with him and sit in the hot tub. It was a beautiful night and they ended up having sex, then more sex, then running around the rooftop naked. Just as they were getting back to putting their clothes on, a security team came out onto the roof. Both parties were surprised as hell to see each other. The pilot apologised to the security team as he was putting his clothes on, grabbed a couple of free sodas and left with his humiliated and unhappy wife.

There was a time when most airlines served good food, especially in first class. I am allowed to sit in first class when I travel off duty. The pass system at my company allows me to travel unlimited times a year. Some years ago a pilot told me that over the weekend he took his wife and children on a flight that was a round trip flight to another city. He flew out on the first leg enjoying a nice lunch and free drinks in first class. They were on the ground for an hour before the same aircraft with the pilot and his family still on it, returned to its point of origin. He and his family enjoyed a first class dinner on the way back, the children enjoying a few ice cream sundaes. That was how they spent their day and evening, enjoying free food, drinks, desserts, and movies. The monthly food bills were less than normal because the pilot was uncanny in his ability to be a cheap bastard.

Not that long ago I was riding to a hotel for a layover. Across the street from my hotel I saw a sign on the marquis of another hotel advertising free wireless Internet. My monthly schedule requests were due the next day and I needed Internet access to send my requests in. Instead of paying for the service in my hotel, I walked across the street that next morning to use the free Internet at the other hotel. I walked past the lobby and sat in a public area near a fireplace that had couches and coffee tables. As I was booting up my computer I saw a large urn of coffee across the room. ‘What the heck’ I thought, it’s just a cup of coffee. I got up and fixed myself a large cup of coffee, just the way I like it. I was working on my computer with a solid Internet connection, drinking my coffee, when a hotel employee approached me. ‘Sir, the breakfast buffet is now open, would you like me to show you what we have this morning?’ she said. Without the slightest hesitation, I said, ‘Why that would be great, thank you.’ I proceeded to make myself a waffle, gather a plate of eggs and bacon, a glass of juice, and a container of strawberry banana yogurt. I was still there three hours later when they closed down the breakfast area. I was asked if I would like anything else, so I asked if I could take a snack to go. I have shared this nugget with many of the pilots I fly with and they too have enjoyed a scrumptious morning buffet, across the street.

This story could go on and on as there are endless examples of pilots being cheap bastards, but there is one last example I would like to share with you. About 16 years ago, I was an engineer on the Boeing 727. The captain brought a bag on board at the beginning of our trip. He handed me the paper bag and told me to put it in a safe place. When we got to our destination that night, he asked me for the bag. During our four-day trip, each day would start out the same, he would hand me the bag, I would put it out of harms way, and he would ask for it at the end of the day. On the last day he handed as he handed me the bag, I heard the clinking of glass. ‘Be careful with that,’ he said. I asked him what was in the bag. He told me there were about ten light bulbs in the bag. I asked him why he carried all of these light bulbs around. He said to me, ‘I take the burned out light bulbs from home and exchange them with the working light bulbs in our hotel rooms.’ I was at a loss for words, but I remember thinking that this guy is one seriously cheap bastard.

OK Here’s a true story I’ve told some of you but not all. I flew with a guy that turned in his dirty uniform shirts, this was before 9/11, to a charity. He would come back a few days later when they were hanging on a rack & buy them back for .50-.75 cents. He said it was cheaper than sending them to the laundry & he’d get credit for a Tax deduction for his charitable donation.

If that’s not a cheap bastard…I don’t know what is.

I’m not certain who originally authored this but I’ll thank my father, who is retired after 40+ years of dedicated service with a once great, hopefully to be great again, airline, for passing it along. Given the economic times, I felt it might not be a bad idea to share this with more folks, though I must warn you to be very careful, as pilots are highly trained in these skills.

I’ll have to give credit to my nephew for sending me this email. Thought it was too good for just a simple forward. Without further ado…

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

So, did Dannon read my post about Yoplait from September 10? Or maybe they just have a brain and understand making a difference is more important than making half empty promises like Yoplait seems to make. Dannon, through its Cups of Hope program, allows you to provide them with a code from under the lid of a product, online, which will result in a donation from Dannon. For each code you enter, 10 cents goes to the National Breast Cancer Foundation. Dannon will donate a minimum of $500,000 to this organization and up to $1.5 million. Very up front details, very reasonable consumer action needed and much more commonsense than Yoplait’s program that requires one to mail the lids to Yoplait. Still drives me nuts that they make people go to that extent. Ridiculous. So, if you are buying a particular yogurt because of the donations to finding a cure for breast cancer, I’d suggest trying out Dannon.

Okay, so this is just me throwing up an interesting juxtaposed image on a Time Magazine article. The article, “What Makes a School Great“, covers the new Waiting for “Superman” movie that is a documentary on the woes of our education system, what some are doing to improve the system and ideas for continuing this improvement process. All quite good. I had actually mentioned this movie on one of my Facebook postings as it looks terrific. You can find out more about the movie on the Waiting For Superman website.

I think Time Magazine may want to review how their advertising engine works so that they don’t place an inappropriate ad next to an article. Nothing like guns and a school bus full of kids side-by-side.

Every time Yoplait puts on their support program for the Susan G. Komen’s Race for the Cure campaign I just get disgusted. No, I’m not against getting rid of breast cancer, quite the opposite. What drives me nuts is Yoplait’s tactics. I have no problem with a firm advertising the fact that they donate a portion of their revenues or profit to a charity. God Bless them! What I think is ridiculous is how their program works. To me it’s as if they are trying to sell yogurt and not donate to the cause.

To me it makes more sense for Yoplait to say they will donate 10 cents, or even 5 cents, for every item sold. My impression is they are banking on people not sending in lids but perhaps buying their product with that intent. I know I throw out my lids as it doesn’t make sense to collect them, put them in an envelope and then mail them. Not only is it a pain and costs me more money, but it also adds to the carbon footprint and is just wasteful. If they don’t want to donate straight out then another option would be to print a code on the inside of the lid and let folks enter the code online.

Come on Yoplait, show that you truly care more about helping cure breast cancer than selling yogurt.

Hello my supportive fans. As you all know, during the last election I got no air time and was not invited to any of the debates. The fund raising efforts also produced no results. That said, I know I got quite a number of write in votes and for that I thank you.

Now that everyone has had a sampling of another career politician, I’m thinking my run for the office during the next election will be even stronger. Be certain to let folks know that I’m here and willing to serve our country. You’ll find that I’m fair, honest, friendly and always try my best. I’m PC, but in moderation, as I don’t have time to waste on being indirect nor obtuse and confusing. This will have the added benefit of not wasting other folks’ time, and possibly creating more jobs for the media (or less?). It probably would also result in The View going out of business.

As for my platform, less government is the pill. A flat tax means everyone pays their way equally and will result in less government, less bureaucracy, less lobbying and less government spending to maintain this pile of donkey excrement.

Term limits? I’m like George¹ and don’t believe anyone should be in office too long, so, I’m definitely for limiting my term and the term of those who are starting to shift from caring citizens to bloated politicians.

Secure the borders and replace that with an effective immigration policy that can handle the number of immigrants that are already sneaking in but now, instead of sneaking, they can be legit and we can know who they are. It amazes me that this use to work. Remember Ellis Island? I guess someone tried to fix something that wasn’t broken.

Education? Smart, talented, thoughtful, inventive citizens who can intelligently reason? What a concept! Yes, I’m ready to raise the status of our Great Nation back to where it should be and it starts with educating our citizenry so that we can have our wonderful population working and contributing and not sitting in a prison cell or on a street corner. We won’t get rid of the economic disparity by handing money out to those who don’t know how to invest it in their future and the future of their children. Why has our education system failed? Okay, I’m going to pull a politician tactic of answering a question with a question… sorry. Why would career politicians want citizens who can think? Roll that around for a bit.

Well, that’s it in a nutshell. I’m thinking if I can get as many followers as Ashton Kutcher, and maybe some of his money too, then I just might have a chance.

God Bless America!

¹ For those who weren’t around, I was referring to “George” Washington’s forward thinking ideology.

I had heard the first quote below recently on a television show and thought it to be, well, quotable. When I went to make certain I had the details around it correct I landed on the site, Think Exist, which resulted in the additional quotes I’ve included.

“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
– Albert Pine (English author, d.1851)

“Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one’s thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832)

“We learn more by looking for the answer to a question and not finding it than we do from learning the answer itself.”
– Lloyd Alexander (American Author of a number of fantasy books for children and adolescents, b.1924)

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.”
– Plato (Ancient Greek Philosopher He was the world’s most influential philosopher. 428 BC-348 BC)

“I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.”
– Arthur Rubinstein (Polish born American Composer and Pianist, 1887-1982)

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
– Bryant H. McGill

This year will be marked by the last birthday I will ever celebrate before turning 50.  It will also consist of my lovely daughter graduating from Middle School and heading off to High School and my son becoming top dog as a Senior at his High School.  Time flies and often it really doesn’t do a whole lot to boost one’s feeling of vitality, longevity and sense of joy.

Sure, there is the joy that comes from seeing one’s children grow into wonderful young adults but that too means they’ll be leaving the nest soon.  Being able to go out and run 15 miles helps to make one feel young were it not for the added pain from the years of wear and tear on the body and the knowledge that this talent will continue to decrease with the increase in years.

But if one moves to the enlightened, brighter side of the house one will find that sunny spot under the window.  That place where the floor has been warmed by the sun and warms your soul from your stocking feet to the pounding heart in your chest.  That place where everything just feels so much better and you can close your eyes and just be calmed by the majesty of the heat from that orb so far, far away.

So, what else can do this?  Well, the other event that will occur this year is my 22nd wedding anniversary.  Not only have my children been growing up but my marriage has been maturing and growing too.  Anyone that has been in a long term commitment knows that all is not bliss, but there is a special warm feeling, a sense of safety and a special connection that comes with being with someone and sharing the joys and trials of life for so long.  To see each other grow into fuller, more enriched and compassionate individuals and partners only helps to make one feel more apart of the other.  To know what the other person is thinking without speaking and catching those special moments when you are surprised by some new joy or side to your partner that you hadn’t before seen.

Valentine’s Day provides that perfect opportunity to remember the sweet things that have been a part of one’s relationship throughout the years, starting with that chance meeting, through courtship, through the honeymoon, through the birth of one’s children, through the tough years of health issues, through the children becoming teenagers and preparing for their future lives and their loves and their trials and their successes, through the planning on what will come as the children grow and move on, to the sense of anticipation at having grandkids to cuddle with and a whole new cycle to start.  But most of all, it is a time to celebrate that one person who has been a part of all of these wonderful life experiences and challenges.  It is a time to immerse oneself in the knowledge that, without this other person, all these wonderful events would not have unfolded and provided the blessings that came about.

I often kid my wife that Valentine’s Day is not for married couples.  It’s for the elementary school kids who have their first crush.  It’s for the romantic young couples who are experiencing the chemistry of new found fondness and love.  It is for those who are trying to capture hearts, not those who already have done so.  However, if one does not treat the heart of their lover with the gentleness, thoughtfulness, spirit and compassion that they once did, the beating will fade and the spark will go out.

So, on this day I want to tell my wife, Virginia, that she is most dear to me and fills my heart with warmth and joy.  I am much more whole than I ever would be with her by my side.  The blood that flows through her also flows through me as we are one in heart and soul.  The true proof of how great we are together is to look at our children, who share chemistry from both of us, and see that when we both come together in such a loving way that it results in the most truly wonderful and beautiful of creations.  How great it has been, and continues to be, to have been blessed with each other and, together, have been able to create an everlasting love in our children.  May the wonderment of our love live on forever in our children, our children’s children, and their children… ad infinitum.

The beauty and will of my life is my wife, Virginia.  I love you most truly.

Happy Valentine’s Day!