In a time when more folks are finding it difficult to get by, it’s great that those who have come before us are sharing the knowledge and skills they have gained over their many years of BEING CHEAP! Being cheap seems to be a badge of honor for the pilots who command the once friendly skies over our world.

When my company hired me, one of the first things I noticed about many of my fellow pilots was that they were cheap bastards. I consider this to be a compliment to my fellow aviators.

Hotels offer a plethora of freebies that end up in the homes of pilots. There are soaps, shampoos, lotions, sewing kits, amenity kits, and other things of strategic value. On the nightstands in hotel rooms, there usually is a pad of stationary and a cheap pen. The stationary pads are commonly found in the cockpits, on the built in clipboards, but the pens are too valuable to leave behind. If there are free newspapers at the front desk, we are certain to take one. At some of the better hotels you can find a newspaper and a Wall Street Journal at the same time, major score.

There is the story of the pilot who finally sends his first child off to college. The young adult returns for the holidays and proceeds to tell the parents everything they have learn ed. The parents are told many things, but their child was most impressed by learning that most bars of soap are actually very big and shampoo comes in bottles that are bigger than their thumb. Being raised on hotel toiletries brought home by the student’s father, the young person was ignorant to this important part of life, only because the father, a pilot, was a cheap bastard.

Discounts and deals abound in the pilot world. Almost every airport eatery and hotel restaurant offers a percentage off of whatever we purchase to eat. There are coupons for free drinks or buffets. I have seen 50% off in some places, which none of us can pass up. I was at a coffee shop in a layover hotel recently, getting ready to head to the airport. The young woman working the counter got me my coffee and handed me two big chocolate chip cookies for free. Of course I shyly refused, but she insisted that I take the cookies. ‘You never know when you might get hungry’, She said. I was trying to smile and not drool at the same time. This treatment is not unusual. I was walking through the Cincinnati airport once, when a worker at the Mrs. Fields Cookies counter waved me over. ‘You can have all the left over cookies for five dollars’, the counter person said. I walked away with three bags of cookies and boasted about my good deal for weeks after. I had realized that the cookies kiosk was closing and instead of throwing the cookies away, they would offer them all at a price no pilot could refuse. I scored those bags of cookies several times but got so sick of them, that I eventually refused the good deal. The same thing happened in Buffalo New York one night. We were doing a turn around, so we were there for about an hour. I ran down to the cafeteria and ordered some wings. The man working the counter asked if I wanted extra wings. I said, ‘Sure, sounds good’. He brought out three large to go boxes of wings, mild, medium, and hot. We stuffed ourselves. When ordering a meal where the food is scooped up in a predetermined amount, the generous workers dishing out the food usually add a partial scoop more, smiling at us while they do it. I have never seen a pilot tell them to take it back.

There is a good chain of communication amongst pilots, allowing us to share the free things or good deals in our layover cities. A fellow pilot told me about free coffee at the hotel coffee shop in Boston. He said, ‘You have to be in uniform to get the free coffee’. I mentioned this to my copilot the evening we arrived at that hotel. The next morning I was in the lobby of the hotel studying the subway map. We had the entire day off and I was interested in visiting a museum. I was surprised to see the copilot walk by in his uniform, seven hours before we were to be picked up. He marched over to the coffee shop and picked up a free cup of coffee, saving himself about $2.50. ‘You make me proud’, I said. He smiled, held up the free cup of Joe in a salute, and then proceeded to pick up a newspaper someone left on a chair. He went back to his room, drank free coffee and read a free paper. It doesn’t get much better than that.

I worked the Hawaiian operation for several years. Our layover hotel was at a gargantuan hotel complex with three, forty story towers. Through the grapevine, I had found out that the rooftop of every tower had a hot tub on it with an ice chest of soda next to it. Access to the rooftop was limited to the expensive business rooms on the upper floors. This was by no means a deterrent to us pilots. I discovered that if I took the elevator as high as I could go without using a room key, I could then take the stairwell up the remaining floors, to the rooftop. I was not interested in the hot tub, but drinking a free soda and taking in the incredible view from forty stories up, was great. I spent many hours up there over those years and never saw another person on that roof. On my way down one day I decided to take the elevator from the highest floor. As I walked towards the elevator I saw a door open to what looked like a lounge. I walked into the room and realized this was a suite converted into the business club lounge. The suite was gorgeous, fronting the ocean, filled with food, drinks, newspapers, and a self-serve bar. The best part of this situation was realizing that there were no hotel employees in the room. I was alone with platters of food, free drinks, and 24 hours off. I settled in like I owned the joint. I left two hours later, only when another hotel guest entered the room. I went back many times, but one day, when I walked in, I saw a woman sitting behind a desk. ‘Good afternoon sir, can I assist you?’ she said. I wanted to say, ‘Yeah, can you just go away from this good deal I have?’ I remained calm and said, ‘I am trying to find my boss, and I was told to meet him here.’ ‘Oh, no problem, what is his name, I can look him up and contact him.’ she said. I was digging myself into a hole. I politely refused her help and left quickly. I could tell she was eyeing me suspiciously. When I got to the elevators, I turned around to smile at her. Next to every elevator was a big bowl of tropical fruit and a stack of newspapers. In an act of defiance, I picked up a papaya, a mango, and a Wall Street Journal while smiling. The elevator arrived quickly and I left. I called the front desk and asked when the business lounge was staffed. I was told that at 4:30 every afternoon, the business lounge was staffed. I had my answer. From then on I made sure I never spent time in that room after 3:00.

I spread the word about the rooftop and lounge to my fellow pilots. One of my fellow pilots brought his wife with him on a trip to Honolulu. He convinced the wife to go to the rooftop with him and sit in the hot tub. It was a beautiful night and they ended up having sex, then more sex, then running around the rooftop naked. Just as they were getting back to putting their clothes on, a security team came out onto the roof. Both parties were surprised as hell to see each other. The pilot apologised to the security team as he was putting his clothes on, grabbed a couple of free sodas and left with his humiliated and unhappy wife.

There was a time when most airlines served good food, especially in first class. I am allowed to sit in first class when I travel off duty. The pass system at my company allows me to travel unlimited times a year. Some years ago a pilot told me that over the weekend he took his wife and children on a flight that was a round trip flight to another city. He flew out on the first leg enjoying a nice lunch and free drinks in first class. They were on the ground for an hour before the same aircraft with the pilot and his family still on it, returned to its point of origin. He and his family enjoyed a first class dinner on the way back, the children enjoying a few ice cream sundaes. That was how they spent their day and evening, enjoying free food, drinks, desserts, and movies. The monthly food bills were less than normal because the pilot was uncanny in his ability to be a cheap bastard.

Not that long ago I was riding to a hotel for a layover. Across the street from my hotel I saw a sign on the marquis of another hotel advertising free wireless Internet. My monthly schedule requests were due the next day and I needed Internet access to send my requests in. Instead of paying for the service in my hotel, I walked across the street that next morning to use the free Internet at the other hotel. I walked past the lobby and sat in a public area near a fireplace that had couches and coffee tables. As I was booting up my computer I saw a large urn of coffee across the room. ‘What the heck’ I thought, it’s just a cup of coffee. I got up and fixed myself a large cup of coffee, just the way I like it. I was working on my computer with a solid Internet connection, drinking my coffee, when a hotel employee approached me. ‘Sir, the breakfast buffet is now open, would you like me to show you what we have this morning?’ she said. Without the slightest hesitation, I said, ‘Why that would be great, thank you.’ I proceeded to make myself a waffle, gather a plate of eggs and bacon, a glass of juice, and a container of strawberry banana yogurt. I was still there three hours later when they closed down the breakfast area. I was asked if I would like anything else, so I asked if I could take a snack to go. I have shared this nugget with many of the pilots I fly with and they too have enjoyed a scrumptious morning buffet, across the street.

This story could go on and on as there are endless examples of pilots being cheap bastards, but there is one last example I would like to share with you. About 16 years ago, I was an engineer on the Boeing 727. The captain brought a bag on board at the beginning of our trip. He handed me the paper bag and told me to put it in a safe place. When we got to our destination that night, he asked me for the bag. During our four-day trip, each day would start out the same, he would hand me the bag, I would put it out of harms way, and he would ask for it at the end of the day. On the last day he handed as he handed me the bag, I heard the clinking of glass. ‘Be careful with that,’ he said. I asked him what was in the bag. He told me there were about ten light bulbs in the bag. I asked him why he carried all of these light bulbs around. He said to me, ‘I take the burned out light bulbs from home and exchange them with the working light bulbs in our hotel rooms.’ I was at a loss for words, but I remember thinking that this guy is one seriously cheap bastard.

OK Here’s a true story I’ve told some of you but not all. I flew with a guy that turned in his dirty uniform shirts, this was before 9/11, to a charity. He would come back a few days later when they were hanging on a rack & buy them back for .50-.75 cents. He said it was cheaper than sending them to the laundry & he’d get credit for a Tax deduction for his charitable donation.

If that’s not a cheap bastard…I don’t know what is.

I’m not certain who originally authored this but I’ll thank my father, who is retired after 40+ years of dedicated service with a once great, hopefully to be great again, airline, for passing it along. Given the economic times, I felt it might not be a bad idea to share this with more folks, though I must warn you to be very careful, as pilots are highly trained in these skills.

I’ll have to give credit to my nephew for sending me this email. Thought it was too good for just a simple forward. Without further ado…

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Okay, so this is just me throwing up an interesting juxtaposed image on a Time Magazine article. The article, “What Makes a School Great“, covers the new Waiting for “Superman” movie that is a documentary on the woes of our education system, what some are doing to improve the system and ideas for continuing this improvement process. All quite good. I had actually mentioned this movie on one of my Facebook postings as it looks terrific. You can find out more about the movie on the Waiting For Superman website.

I think Time Magazine may want to review how their advertising engine works so that they don’t place an inappropriate ad next to an article. Nothing like guns and a school bus full of kids side-by-side.

Stole this from my brother’s FB page as it made me lahaff!

Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown.  The first vulture asks the second vulture, “Does this taste funny to you?“

 
 

photo credit:  © James Bustraan | Dreamstime.com

With Christmas fast approaching,

with Social Networking on the rise,

you must remember Google’s watching,

and keep this in mind…

Google knows when you are sleeping,

They know when you’re awake,

They know what you’ve been searching,

So search for me for goodness sake…

Oh, you better watch out,

You better not spam,

You better not Yahoo,

I’m telling you why,

Google is for searching the Web.

Merry Christmas to All and here’s wishing you a #2 placement right after me

I doubt this ad is true but, either way, it’s pretty darn funny.  Evidence again that one should not bring a knife to a gun fight.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.  You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings.  I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment.  I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.  The evening was not that cold and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.  My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.  Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head… isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants.  I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.  [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]….

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done.  Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station… on your credit card.  The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet.  [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb… after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.  Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that?  Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.  The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.  I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.  Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.   Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.  A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.   That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.    There are teachers…  and then there are educators!

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