Stole this from my brother’s FB page as it made me lahaff!

Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown.  The first vulture asks the second vulture, “Does this taste funny to you?“

 
 

photo credit:  © James Bustraan | Dreamstime.com

This is the beginning of a new day.

I have been given this day to use as I will.

I can waste it… or use it for good, but what I do today is important, because I am exchanging a day of my life for it!

When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, leaving in its place something that I have traded for it.

I want it to be gain, and not loss; good and not evil; success, and not failure; in order that I shall not regret the price that I have paid for it.

I will try just for today, for you never fail until you stop trying.

– Unknown

I doubt this ad is true but, either way, it’s pretty darn funny.  Evidence again that one should not bring a knife to a gun fight.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.  You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings.  I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment.  I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.  The evening was not that cold and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.  My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.  Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head… isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants.  I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.  [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]….

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done.  Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station… on your credit card.  The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet.  [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb… after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.  Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that?  Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.  The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.  I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.  Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.   Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.

     - Francis Bacon
 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.  A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.   That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.    There are teachers…  and then there are educators!

author unknown

And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.